One spring morning, when it was still dark, we parked at the beach for our weekly group workout.  We ran on the sandy dune trails wearing our weighted backpacks, pushing and pulling each other through the miles.  We crossed over to the ocean side and went deep into the freezing Atlantic to tread water.  While we worked in silence, the sun came up over the horizon in gorgeous shades of purple and pink.  Night turned to day and soon the sky was golden.  In this moment, I felt so connected to these people, to the earth, to our ...

One day, I took Gregory, Brendan, and Ella for a walk around our new neighborhood.  A little boy was riding his bike.  He was cute and blonde and riding over jumps, even though he was just five years old.  I thought he might be a nice friend for Gregory and they seemed to be the same age.  His Mom came outside to meet us.  She had a huge smile and kind eyes.  I could tell she was a special person before she even spoke.  Then she told me that she had 8 kids!  WOW - 3 seemed like a lot to me!  We chatted and laughed for just a few ...

When I first went to yoga class, I ached to talk.  The extended silence was a real challenge.  Sometimes my throat would throb like a bruise during class.  But more than anything, in the beginning, I liked being alone on my mat and that no one asked me to be anything.  And sometimes I would swear or growl out loud during a pose and nobody seemed to mind that either.

Sometimes, when my day is through and my children are fast asleep, I melt into my couch under my big, blue blanket and let the world go quiet.  Sometimes it has been really hard, sometimes it has been smooth.  And even though my body and brains are always scrambled, I mostly feel like I did a really good job at life.

One day, when we first moved to Cape Cod, Gregory had a play date with a new friend from Kindergarten.  His Mom came to pick him up from our house on a chilly December night.  When she came to the door, I noticed she only had socks on.  She laughed and said, "this is what happens when you have 5 kids, you end up places without your shoes."  It seemed impossible that one could leave the house in winter without shoes.  I thought she really needed to get it together.  But now that I have 5 kids, I kind of know what she means...

One day my Mom told me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  So I went to the doctor with her to arrange her treatment plan and ask a lot of questions.  We sat silently in the waiting room of the cancer wing at the hospital.  I  held my breath when I saw a gift shop full of wigs.  Mom dug for her glasses at the bottom of her purse so she could read the paperwork clearly.  I thought she seemed serious & scared.  I tried to be brave.  But I gulped back tears, knowing that no matter what happens this time, I would not have ...

One day when Gregory was very small - less than two years old - we went and bought two giant candy apples.  They had caramel and chocolate and nuts.  We sat together in the afternoon sun and ate every last bite.  I was young, but had to be GROWN UP, since I was already a MOM.  On this day, I felt excited and childlike.  Seeing him all sticky and smiley made me happy too.  I was still between two worlds.

One summer evening, I brought dinner to the creek.  The tide was low and the kids were wading and playing.  Adam met us there after work and rolled his dress pants into shorts.  The sun was setting.  A train whistled in the distance.  For a moment, I couldn't believe this is where we lived!  Gratitude seeped out of me.  I felt like the luckiest person on Earth.  I try  hard not to forget this day or this feeling.

One day when Lily was two weeks old, I went to meet some friends for a play date.  I was trying to act like have 4 children under 6 was EASY and FUN!  As we gathered in the backyard my "big" kids climbed a very high TREE HOUSE!  Ella was only 18 months old & I was very nervous she would fall.  But Lily was screaming to nurse and I was really bad at asking for help.  So I climbed the tree house with tiny Lily in my arms and fed her while I watched Ella play.  I was perched high above the play date, sweating & not ...