My teenage daughter came home from a junior high school dance with a small group of friends for a sleepover. We had planned some activities for the girls – ice cream sundaes and movies – and thought they would enjoy a night of spending time together. But, when the girls came home, they just stared down at their phones all night – texting and looking through social networking sites, not talking at all. When they left the next morning, my daughter was in tears saying that our house was so boring and that she didn’t think anyone had fun. I feel like the smart phones robbed the girls of a fun night together! Help!

- Donna

Hi Donna!

I totally hear you! This was such a great example of the way technology is affecting our children. I agree with you – this robbed the girls of spending real time together! I think it is important to maintain our “house rules” even when our children have peers over. I have a 13 year old son and collect his phone at 9:00pm on weekends. I expect the same from his peers when they are here spending the night! I usually let families know in advance that this is our family’s policy. Parents understand that they can call my cell or landline if they need to reach their children. I find that if I discuss these rules ahead of time, then it’s not awkward for my son and everyone knows what to expect. I even know some families that collect the phones once the teens come in because she doesn’t want pictures shared from her house. If our children’s friends are true, then they won’t mind the house rules, they’ll just want to be together.

It is so valuable that we try to preserve our children’s experiences and youth. This includes the traditional late night sleepover! Being together with friends, having conversations, enjoying fun and silly activities are all part of a young teenager’s joys! Good for you to recognize that these girls were missing out by living with their heads down.

Thanks for reaching out!
Janell

Thank you!

Janell

• candy
• holidays
• love
• colors
• numbers
• Disney World
• Disney on Ice
• Storyland
• family
• friends

I felt like this might help a lot of people, so I shared it.  Enjoy!

Recently, I watched Alicia Keys sing her gorgeous song “Not Even The King” on Storytellers.  I mentioned how much I would love to hear my sweet 8 year old sing that song.  So with Christmas approaching, she wrote out all the lyrics, had my musician husband Adam learn it on the piano and practiced it over and over.  On Christmas Eve morning she sat me down to perform it.   A little piece of my heart melts every time I hear this.  And I love that she’s in her pjs.  And that sometimes you can hear my other kids wrestling outside the door of this private viewing.  Life is grand.

Z & CALEB

There are very few people I place in the category of my sister Lindsey.  I hold her close to my heart, in the highest regard.  And because my love for her is so true and transcends great depths, I am tempted to stand here tonight and tell you every detail, every beautiful story, every wild night, every hysterical mishap.

I want you to know that as a child she slept cuddled with plastic toy reptiles.  That she was a die hard WWF fan.  That she hid candy under her hat during youth softball games.  That her childhood styles varied from silly perms, to triple fat goose jackets, to giant skater jeans, to her infamous late night club fashions that she wore hidden under a hoodie so Mom wouldn’t know.

I want you to know that she loves Shark Week & Angry Birds more than anything.  That she’s a picky eater, she likes her chicken cooked until it’s dry and her bacon extra crispy.  She’s so sensitive, that one day at the mall she almost cried when she saw an old man drop his ice cream cone on the ground.  She is wild and fun and could out party any of you.  While a couple of drinks could do me in for the night, Lindsey’s just getting warmed up.  She’s laid back, but every now and then she explodes into a swearing fury of rage.  She’s fast with a comeback, there’s nothing she hasn’t heard or hasn’t said.  She’s just so damn funny it sneaks up and bites you.

See, I want you to know all of this.  But tonight, what I really need you to know, is that you will not find a more loyal person, a harder worker, a woman whose external beauty will turn your head, but inner beauty will bring you to your knees.  She is gentle & quirky, honest & generous.  She is a fighter.  She stands firmly among us – the strong, fierce, capable women in our family that rise up to overcome, to get it done, to exceed all limitations.  She is proud & independent, smart & creative. She is the kind of friend you want as a sister, the kind of sister you want as a friend.  Kellie and I are lucky to have her as both.  Her gifts are so plentiful and she is so humble, that sometimes I stand back in awe of all that she is, all that she has become.

When I see her with my children, as Auntie Z, my heart is so grateful.  It is hard to explain what I witness when my children look up at her.  They love and adore her.  Her mere presence makes them wild & giddy, it is bliss.  Without effort, she accepts them, enjoys them, she loves and protects them.  And it’s just so natural.   It is here that I see it.  It is here, I see the mother she will someday become.

Lindsey is a beautiful reflection of both my mother and my father.  She embodies the perfect combination of their greatest strengths.  To Lindsey, there is nothing my parents could do wrong.  She sees them with the innocence of a child and carries her love for them guarded close against the center of her heart.  And see, my parents don’t know it, but they both look at Lindsey the same way.  With the same gleam in their eyes – a look of pride, a look of affection, a look of sincere joy.  See that is her way, that is Lindsey’s gift, she just brings out the best in people.

And then there was the day Lindsey called to tell me she had met Caleb.  She told me, she had a feeling right away that he was the one.  And she knew it sounded too good to be true.  She said he was kind, he was generous, he was real, he was funny, he made her break all of her rules, he was more than she knew was even possible.  And when we met Caleb, he came with bags of gifts, gingerbread houses, massive tins of popcorn, homemade wine and enough dinner to feed an army.  He came to us with an open heart and with such sincere generosity that we called him “Santa Benham” for the first year we knew him, because everyday with Caleb felt like Christmas.  He whistled his way into our lives with such ease that somehow we felt like we’d known him forever.

But none of  this mattered, because I saw the way he looked at my sister.  I knew he saw in her all of the beauty that I know.  He held her up, where she belongs.  I knew he would love her with the true intensity and commitment it takes to be a husband, it takes to be a man.  And because of this, our family has always welcomed Caleb with open arms, as a son, a brother, as an uncle, a friend.

And while I know that Caleb is a gift to my sister, and I’m certain they will build a life together in partnership, today Caleb, it is you who is the luckiest man on earth.  Because today you get to marry my sister Lindsey.

Dear Gregory

Merry Christmas!  You are now the proud owner of an iPhone.  Hot Damn!  You are a good & responsible 13 year old boy and you deserve this gift.  But with the acceptance of this present comes rules and regulations.  Please read through the following contract.  I hope that you understand it is my job to raise you into a well rounded, healthy young man that can function in the world and coexist with technology, not be ruled by it.  Failure to comply with the following list will result in termination of your iPhone ownership.

 I love you madly & look forward to sharing several million text messages with you in the days to come.

 1. It is my phone.  I bought it.  I pay for it.  I am loaning it to you.  Aren’t I the greatest?

 2.  I will always know the password.

 3.   If it rings, answer it.  It is a phone.  Say hello, use your manners.  Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”.  Not ever.

 4.  Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm.  It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am.  If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text.  Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected. 

5.  It does not go to school with you.  Have a conversation with the people you text in person.  It’s a life skill.  *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.

6.  If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs.  Mow a lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money.  It will happen, you should be prepared.

7.  Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being.  Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others.  Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire. 

8.  Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.

9.  Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room.  Censor yourself.

10.  No porn.  Search the web for information you would openly share with me.  If you have a question about anything, ask a person – preferably me or your father. 

11.  Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public.  Especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being.  You are not a rude person; do not allow the iPhone to change that.

12.  Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts.  Don’t laugh.  Someday you will be tempted to do this despite your high intelligence.  It is risky and could ruin your teenage/college/adult life.  It is always a bad idea.  Cyberspace is vast and more powerful than you.  And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude disappear – including a bad reputation.

13.  Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos.  There is no need to document everything.  Live your experiences.  They will be stored in your memory for eternity.

14.  Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision.  It is not alive or an extension of you.  Learn to live without it.  Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO – fear of missing out. 

15.  Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff.  Your generation has access to music like never before in history.  Take advantage of that gift.  Expand your horizons.

16.  Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then.

17.  Keep your eyes up.  See the world happening around you.  Stare out a window.  Listen to the birds.  Take a walk.  Talk to a stranger.  Wonder without googling. 

18.  You will mess up.  I will take away your phone.  We will sit down and talk about it.  We will start over again.  You & I, we are always learning.  I am on your team.  We are in this together.

It is my hope that you can agree to these terms.  Most of the lessons listed here do not just apply to the iPhone, but to life.  You are growing up in a fast and ever changing world.  It is exciting and enticing. Keep it simple every chance you get.  Trust your powerful mind and giant heart above any machine.  I love you.  I hope you enjoy your awesome new iPhone.  Merry Christmas!

 xoxoxo

Mom